Jul 18, 2008 12:38 PM EST

Top 5 Things that are going to SUCK about The Dark Knight

5. Now my Aunt is interested in it
Ever since Heath Ledgers death was splatted all over the grocery store tabloids a sudden new interest in the movie has evolved in the "casual" movie going public. That being namely my Aunt who forwards me forwards that if I don't forward will result in the death of another cast member of The Dark Knight, and my clueless cousin who thinks the joker should be CGI. "Dude, Jar Jar revolutionized supporting characters!!"

4. The over hype is going to under whelm.
What is this the 3rd generation iPhone? The front page of every major news website (and every fanboy blog) is now riddled with praise, Oscar declarations, and glowing reviews for the "emotional masterpiece" that quite simply is about a man in a batsuit and a clown. They may as well be reviewing my 5th birthday party to which no one showed which was equally as emotionally scarring. When I finally sit down to watch the 2nd coming of the almighty tonight--Batman better cure cancer, stop the war in Iraq, and elect Obama president or I will burn down the theater in disgust as I leave.
3. I have to sit in a Movie Theater to watch it.
My home theater is better than anything, ever. It has gone through many incarnations but I have finally reached home theater Nirvana. Everything about it trumps the squeaky chairs, munching of popcorn, sticky floors, cellphones going off, people ANSWERING their cell phones, ads in front of the film, $10 popcorn. Well you get the idea. And, the uninitiated movie going public who feels the need to question out loud, for example, during a screening of "Return Of The King" why, "they care so much about the ring it doesn't even have a diamond on it" will probably feel the need to question "Why a bat? Did he get bit by a bat? Does that make him a vampire?" Man, thinking about it Van Helsing sucked.
2. Maggie Gyllenhall just ain't that hot
The supposed love interest of Bruce Wayne and Harvey dent, both rich, powerful playboys who could get any woman they want supposedly woos both with her stoic lawyer speak and girl who sat behind you in math class good looks. Come ON! Bruce Wayne rolled with two super models who he bought a hotel for just so they could bathe playfully in public. Replacing Katie Holmes with Gyllenhall is like "upgrading" from XP to Vista. It sounds like a good idea at first. Sure one worked alright but is unstable, but the later cripples everything that worked so well to begin with. Then you realize you should have just gotten the prettier mac.

1. Who am I kidding?

Hell, I can't even think of 5 things that are going to suck about The Dark Knight. They had me at "The Joker". Regardless of my alcoholic family, the hype, pimply ticket takers and lack of Megan Fox, I'll be there opening night. Heres to hoping Joel Schumaker is no where near the inevitable "Batman 3: Really 6, but shut up about those 90's ones"
 
-- Eric English

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