Jun 19, 2015 12:59 PM EST

Know Your Terminators Before You Go See Terminator Genisys

Know Your Terminators Before You Go See Terminator Genisys

Terminator fans, It's time once again to brush off your best Arnie impersonation in anticipation of the latest release in the Series TERMINATOR: GENYSIS. Coming to Theaters in time for the Fourth of July Holiday weekend, TERMINATOR:GENYSIS once again starts Arnold Schwarzenegger alide Jason Clarke and Emilia Clarke in a battle to save the Human race.  To help you impress your friends and win every Terminator trivia game known to man, we present the Handy-dandy "Know your terminator" guide! 

Fighting a 4-dimensional war is hard enough, even when your enemy can't shape-change or come disguised in human flesh. This field-guide to terminators is meant as a tactical aid in identifying, engaging, and destroying SkyNet robots. Note that it is accurate roughly to "Future Five" which is as far as we've gotten so far! So keep your plasma cannon ready and, remember, when in doubt, light it up.

Series 1 and early Hunter Killers

Description: It is a little known fact that not all Terminators are humanoid--or even semi-humanoid. Technically a terminator is just one of a general category of "Hunter Killers" which include flying weapons platforms as well. The early Series 1 (Timeline 3) was a tread-based gun-platform with heavy armor. The T-20 and T-70 were the first roughly humanoid models--although none of them would be properly mistaken for human under any conditions.

How To Kill: Heavy machine gun fire can damage unarmored plates. Light (primitive) anti-tank munitions will penetrate or even over-penetrate.

Weaknesses: Easy to spot. Loud. Dumb.

 

T-600 Infiltrator

Description: The 600 series was the first proper infiltrator in the line. The base-model 600 series has an alloy exterior and wouldn't fool anyone. The 680 (Future 1) had rubber skin and didn't fool many people. SkyNet was uncertain about human activities and dress and seems to have concluded from random internet searches that human skin was indistinguishable from rubber (later examinations of captured data storage point to something called "Photoshop" as the source of this misconception). Additionally, the machine having no sense of smell, the T-600 and T-680 has a pleasing "pine scent." 

 

SkyNet's slavish devotion to incremental series naming, and its legacy Cyberdyne Product Catalog subroutine, kept reliably producing vendor pages describing the Luxury Upgrade packages for latex skin and 'Exotic Dancer Enhancements' for visiting dignitaries. SkyNet, itself, being dedicated to war, never produced any of these models (they were created by an automated 'Marketing Department' that persisted for years before being found and erased by SkyNet Core).

How To Kill: Heavy machine guns (lacks advanced alloy armor)

Weaknesses: Automated greetings "How's The Weather?" and context-inappropriate response of "That's What She Said." Targeting system exposed in back of 'neck.'

 

T-700 and T-799

Description: With the general lack of success of the infiltrator models, SkyNet revamped the humanoid battle-series for pure assault. The T-700 is heavily armed and armored. It came with caseless machine gun weapon systems. The T-700 was deemed reasonably successful and able to follow humans into structures that heavier vehicles could not. There was only so far these could go as they were easily identified and were too expensive for their kill-ratios when seen coming.

How To Kill: Same as 600 series

Weaknesses: Pauses to admire self in reflections. Fondness for hats.

 

T-800

Description: Described by the Cyberdyne marketing engine as a state-of-the-art breakaway success, and a "natural leader, one might even say 'a large-state governor'" in the field of infiltration robotics, the T-800 represented a massive advancement in both infiltration and battle-readiness. Its use of human skin (with micro-pumps so that 'if you prick it, does it not bleed!') and advanced armor made it almost human and nearly indestructible. Terminator units were able to infiltrate human units and execute their mission (and their targets!) effectively. There were even reports of T-800 units sometimes maintaining long term contact with human targets, rising through the ranks, and, in the case of the SoCal Resort Bay Resistance Unit Infiltration plan, attending numerous beach party "operations" (the SoCal Resort Bay Resistance Unit was decorated after the war, Future 6, for sustaining no casualties, inflicting no causalities, and drawing heavily on the human's Morale Rations program of beer and donuts.

How To Kill: Due to advanced hyperalloy and Coltan armor, energy weapons are preferred.

Weaknesses: Attacks most heavily muscled targets first. Thick accent. Easily reprogrammed to join resistance.

 

T-900

Description: With T-800 models defecting in large numbers, the T-900 was built to kill rogue T-800s. Unfortunately Skynet locked down the learning capabilities and installed Norton Anti-Virus and the result was a hugely flawed slow machine (the T-900 core was based on something called 'Windows Vista' which may also have contributed to the problem). Skynet's marketing department struck again, giving them a "plasma generator glow" which on paper was supposed to be a superior source but in practice was designed to make them look "cool."

How To Kill: More armored than T-800 but poorly suited to fighting them. Use a rogue T-800.

Weaknesses: Glows in the dark. Easy to target. Inferiority complex.

 

T-1000

Description: In Future 2 SkyNet kind of took the human victory personally and commissioned the development of a nano-metal with "highly elastic distributed properties." This shape-changing battle-drone was sent back in time to execute John Connor and, it is conjectured, take his place. While it failed to complete its mission it was considered the near-pinnacle Terminator technology and records today suggest that it should have been nearly invincible. 

How To Kill: Lava? A black hole generator?

Weaknesses:  No sense of humor. Lack of ranged weapons. Seriously, it got close enough to almost touch Connor. What if it could explode?
 

TOK715

Description: Looks just like Summer Glau. Like your dream-version of Summer Glau. The TOK715 was spun off from the regular line and re-tooled to make an "exact duplicate" of an actual person. When this capability was developed, Skynet's rogue marketing subroutine went berserk and started promising Dream Lovers! And Work-It-Out-With-Your-Ex on their still functional website. This both alerted the resistance and got the marketing routine hunted and killed. Still, the TOK175 was a success and was dutifully sent back in time with strangely ambiguous kill orders. The technology was then prepossessed in the more reliable TS-300.

How To Kill: CANCEL THE FUTURE

Weaknesses: Smoldering eyes. Pouty lips. Perfect skin. Silky voice. Adorkable mannerisms. Oh, wait, weaknesses??

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